30 Things to Never Do at a Funeral

Doing any of these things at a funeral would be a grave mistake. Sorry.

I was just dying to make that joke. Sorry again.

1. Tell the widow that the deceased's last wish was that she make love with you.

2. Tell the undertaker that he can't close the coffin until you find your contact lens.

3. Punch the body and tell people that he hit you first.

4. Tell the widow that you're the deceased's gay lover.

5. Ask someone to take a snapshot of you shaking hands with the deceased.

6. At the cemetery, play taps on a kazoo.

7. Walk around telling people that you've seen the will and they're not in it.

8. Ask the widow to give you a kiss.

9. Drive behind the widow's limo and keep honking your horn.

10. Tell the undertaker that your dog just died and ask if he can sneak him into the coffin.

11. Put a hard-boiled egg in the mouth of the deceased.

12. Slip a whoopee cushion under the widow.

13. Leave some phony dog poop on top of the deceased.

14. Tell the widow that you have to leave early and ask if the will can be read before the funeral is over.

15. Urge the widow to give the deceased's wooden leg to someone poor who can't afford firewood.

16. Walk around telling people that the deceased didn't like them.

17. Use the deceased's tongue to lick a stamp.

18. Ask the widow for money which the deceased owes you.

19. Take up a collection to pay off the deceased's gambling debts.

20. Ask the widow if you can have the body to practice tatooing on.

21. Put Crazy Glue on the deceased's lips just before the widow's last kiss.

22. Show up at the funeral service in a clown suit.

23. If the widow cries, blow a trumpet every time she wipes her nose.

24. When no-one's looking, slip plastic vampire-teeth into the deceased's mouth.

25. Toss a handful of cooked rice on the deceased and scream "MAGGOTS! MAGGOTS!" and pretend to faint.

26. At the cemetery take bets on how long it takes a body to decompose.

27. Goose the widow as she bends over to throw dirt on the coffin.

28. Circulate a petition to have the body stuffed instead of buried.

29. Tell everyone you're from the IRS and you're confiscating the coffin for back-taxes.

30. Promise the minister a hundred dollars if he doesn't keep a straight face while praising the deceased.